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can'tstopcrying,
My pulse is just racing reading this! So much is so familiar! My mother would say and do things like you describe. My father would sometimes intervene on my behalf and make her behave but after he died, she continued unfettered.
I spent years running back-and-forth on a see saw trying to balance the gamut of emotions I invariably went through over and over and over again. Many things had to happen before her “behavior” lessened its grip on me. I won’t go into all that, but I will say nothing happens overnight.
I had to learn to speak to the bully. She said things that I wouldn’t allow others to get away with so I had to find my voice. She had trained me to not object and to passively accept whatever she dished out. I had to unlearn that and find a fair and reasonable voice for me. Difficult--yes, but not out-of-the question.
One thing that worked well was something my mother would always say when conversations got a little too heated. She would say, “Now, let’s be nice…” When she would start with the cutting remarks I would say the same “now, let’s be nice…” Her favorite comeback was to say, “Well, it’s the truth.” And I would say, “now Mother, just because it’s true doesn’t make it ------------ (fill in the blank). My fill ins were: nice, nice to say, fair, right, polite, etc. It wasn't a magic fix and it took time and practice but I learned to hear my voice and that was what mattered. I couldn't control her and she could no longer control me.
Listen for your voice--the calm, resonable, parental voice you use with your children. Use it. That's your place of strength and resilence. After all, what your mother is doing is childish and immature. As a mom, you've had plenty of experience with that! And jmo based upon what I've read here, you're very good with reason, you're strong and you're resilient. I hope it gets better.
Have a nice get away in Florida.
notz
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