OK, first time posting in PC, you guys seem like a nice enough bunch of people, maybe you can help me out (hope Im in the right section of the forum). I am thinking its time to get professional one-on-one help as well, so I might be doing that sometime soon. My post is kind of long, sorry if Im rambling, just wrote it how I felt it.

Heres where I am coming from. Most of my life, I have been pretty introverted, and really struggled to relate to people in general. I also had some bad social experiences in my early teens, which just made things worse. Because of all that I had a really poor opinion of myself, and even though people always tell me I am intelligent, I always seemed to do pretty average, and sort of sabotaged myself academically by not putting any effort in because I didnt want myself to succeed. Stupid, I know.

So, my family moved cities when I was 16, and I never really made friends with anyone at the new school, so Ive been pretty much alone since then, not going to movies or parties or meeting new people. I was in the church band for 2 years, but about a year ago I quit because the whole thing sort of came apart. It was a big deal for me, and I didnt really know how to get over it, or move on, seeing as Im not confident or social enough to go join another band.

Since then, I havent really done anything besides sit in my room, playing video games and watching movies, and the working during the day. I also hate myself sooo much for not being able to connect with people. I get absolutely terrified when I have to speak to someone I dont know. I know its called social withdrawl or something, but I dont know how to get over it. I went to an anime convention the other day (ok, so anime is lame I know, but I enjoy it enough to watch it, and I thought its nice to be part of a group). My whole reason for going was to meet people, relatively similar to me, with the same interests etc., and even though there were guys there who I speak to almost every day on the internet, I couldnt even go up to them and introduce myself. I really hate myself for that.

So, my family are the only people I really have. I have a decision to make now though, because work wants me to move away. I dont think my family understands me anyways, they just seem to think that I enjoy being alone or something, but they are all I have in terms of relationships, so now I have to leave them behind. I sound like some kind of whiny kid, but Im 21 years old, and I guess Im emotionally dependent. Life in general is really getting me down. Its 4:21 in the morning as Im writing this, and Ive hardly slept, and its work in a few hours.

I really dont know what to do, and Ive thought about killing myself since I was 13, but I cant do it because it will destroy my family. I still think about it often though, I just feel like I dont deserve to live, and Im a disgrace to those I love, though they say they are proud of me. I hate they way everything has turned out, and I dont know how to fix it.

Hopefully someone can help me get through all this stuff in my life, I just want the next 21 years of my life to be better than the first 21!