I've dealt with similiar family dynamics, I'll imagine I'm in your shoes for a moment and write out some ideas on how I might handle things.

I'd make sure I kept working on it all in therapy, keep it front and center.

I'd try to use my journal more, write freely, draw, see what comes up. I'd notice any negative messages to myself and work on countering them.

I'd look through some books picked up from library, titles like "How to Deal with Difficult People" come to mind, books on that theme, that give ideas on communication techniques, also I'd look through books and articles on boundaries.

I'd hopefully reward myself somehow for managing to notice the fact that I'm in a loop with a family member. Good job! Coming from a traumatic past, it might be easier to just blame myself and schlump along, deny it all, let people tromp all over me. Instead I am bravely paying attention, noticing, identifying, and researching alternatives.

I'd include some humor stat. Funny movie, songs, anything to loosen me up, get me breathing again, give me a new perspective.

I'd write some lists, like......"What's the worst that could happen if I said No and stuck to it?" This imagine the worst technique doesn't always work, sometimes it really does, I imagine out the worst then write down what I'd do in each circumstance. Helps me take vague worries to clear light where I can examine them. Also can unearth some humor.

I'd read up lots on communication and assertiveness, lots. I'd consider changing my pattern of response to my sister. I wouldn't explain much anymore and I wouldn't ask if her if she was okay with my decision. I wouldn't offer any fuel for the usual fires.

I'd work on my own grief and survivor's guilt, I'd take extra good care of myself, I'd be very compassionate to myself, like a very best friend.

I'd practice stomping round my house alone some, saying "No" firmly and clearly, I'd push my hands out and say "Back off!". Anything that comes to mind that helps me be in my own body, with my own choices, my own safe boundaries.

I'd imagine myself a girl scientist who is experimenting away, no failure can happen, only more results to explore and examine.

*Grin* You'll do fine, you have a major part of the work achieved, you -know- what is going on.

Sarah