I am a little disturbed and distraught over the fact that I won't get to see my T until February when my new insurance coverage kicks in. That's my fault. I procrastinated on it. Though I also was not expecting to get a raise which allows me to be able to pay for my own insurance since I am not offered it through my job...Though I haven't asked for it either. I assume I don't have that option seeing as how everyone else who has come through has been offered insurance and I havent...

Anyways, I am disturbed for two reasons:
1. I can't see T until February....I have so many things running thru my head at the moment that I need to talk to her about and I can't because I can't see her til FEBRUARY. The logical alternative would be to reach out to someone in my support network--something I dont have. T is the only person I have been able to scarcely disclose anything personal to. I am very guarded and keep my thoughts and deep secrets under wraps. As far as everyone is concerned I have everything together. But I don't and T is the only one who knows this. She knows that when i made my intake appt i was teetering on the edge ready to explode (my mother said something to me that made me nearly blow my lid--my blood was boiling and i was shaking from complete rage, which scared me half to death. I managed to do what i always do--push the anger/feelings aside and distract myself with something else- something T said will only work for so long before it catches up with you)

2. I am little disturbed at the fact that I want to see her, even though I struggle every session to open myself up to her. I don't like the fact that I feel like I need someone now. I am not comfortable with feeling like this. It almost makes stomach turn. I want to run and hide. And NOW i am dreaming about T. Upset at the fact that in my last dream T had someone else in the room with us and i needed to talk to her, but couldn't because of this other nameless, faceless person. And she darn near ignored me while in the presence of this other person. I felt like she didnt care enough about me to realize that i needed her at the moment. I was upset in the the dream and woke up upset. I woke up and said screw her and everyone else who didnt give a darn about me. I don't need anyone. I am fine and I can take care of myself!--my motto. And then reality set in and I remember what T said to me at our last session before her vacay. We were going over a journal excerpt i'd given her from a previous session and she said "after reading some of the things in this journal excerpt, it seems to me that you might not be okay" (rolls eyes)---hence i need her help. I hate feeling like i need someone. I feel weak and powerless...like im admitting defeat and giving people ample room to move in and take advantage of me at my weakest moment.

There are a lot of things i want to talk to T about but I can't b/c I can't see her until February!! I'd gotten so used to going to see her since October, that now I feel slightly thrown off a bit. What's going to happen when I finally see her again in Feb?? What's it going to feel like? Do we just pick up from where we left off December 22??---

Sorry, this is just a rant....no need to respond