Quote:
Originally Posted by nowheretorun
ive been a member at PC several years and it seems to me that some members may not be aware of my story.. i've tried many times to begin it and ended with one of these 
where to begin? the beginning is always the best they say so i was born about 45 years ago to a loving mother and father..
Mom and Dad divorced when i was near 3 or so, cant remember the exact date but i guess i could look it up like so many other things i think about sometimes..
it hurt pretty bad when they divorced cause it was breaking up the perfect team as far as i felt at the time.. loved them both, still do, always will...
Dad moved away, continued with life, found love and grew up himself (he was about 30 when he and mom married i think...
mom had to work, she was devastated by the divorce and her feelings are still a mystery to me sometimes.. she was injured in a DUI accident that nearly killed her when i was near 9 and i lived with my sister, mom, her second husband and their son, my half brother when it happened... its an event that shapes my life in many ways...
its so hard to watch a loved one suffer and to feel helpless.. i knew being nearby was sometimes the most that i could do and to try to catch her if she falls..
Dad is gettng older now.. we were close when i was young and we lived together at times as i grew up but he married a woman who just seemed to hate me and i could never understadn it... after moms wreck i was sent to live with dad and the other two kids stayed with mom.. it caused a division that is still an issue...
Dads' wife was physically andmentally abusive... i learned to duck physically and stuff emotions ... Dad either didnt notice or didnt want to get involved and i didnt want him to break up with her on my account so i put on my happy smile and went to school... but all really didnt go well there either but at first it did and i made what i thought were friends easily...
i couldnt take any more after 5 years of abuse and luckily i had an escape since mom was recovering and could deal with that many kids again... one day i walked in on my step brother raping his mentally challenged younger sister
i lost control at moms cause when i told dad i didnt want to live with him anymore he said i wasnt his son anymore...
this is about all i can write right now.. i'm feeling really badly and tired and i love you all... |
(((((((Nowheretorun))))))))
Hey... you aren't alone. I come from a long line of abuse in my own family.
I "divorced" my own alcoholic (actively, not in recovery) and emotionally abusive father last summer to set a clear boundary as to what is and is not acceptable toward me as I am an adult. I haven't heard from him since and hey, that's acceptable to me. I made a choice and I stand by it.
Are you in therapy with a psychologist?
It took me years to learn to deal with the physical and emotional abuse/neglect on both sides of my family. I still deal with it in a way, although with therapy it doesn't affect me as much. Talking about it is the first step. Silence kills the soul as it is denial--denial is deadly. Talking about it with empathetic, understanding, and intelligent people who have experience with such matters (either in a support group and/or private therapy) is the key to escaping the past.
Oh yeah... I forgot to mention that I wasn't allowed to have any feelings/emotion that are separate from my family's when I was a child, and was not allowed to express anything that was my own emotion or thought. I was supposed to be seen and not heard. Yeah... that didn't work out well.
I also recommend writing in a journal anything and everything you want. It really helps. If you do art or want to give that a go, you can draw pictures in your journal or take photographs that help you express feelings you cannot put into words.
Be well.
You are not alone. Many of us here have the same problems.
Post here frequently. There is also a survivors of abuse thread that is really helpful.