Things seemed like they have been going better for awhile at least been so busy the distractions have been good for me overall. The holidays brought their ups and downs mostly ups but the downs of missing my Dad and my Uncle and the uncertainty of life. Saw 2 friends today which is about almost half of all my friends don't have many any more. Seeing them was good and saw my therapist this afternoon and told her about how good it was to see them today and how good it was to see my relatives over Christmas. Time was almost up when we started talking about meeting new people etc and she said how good I seemed today and overall the last few times except for our last apt. Anyway I said how hard it was to meet people and how I was trying and how I can be good as she knows I hold it together through work yet when I go home ( l live back home with my mom and sister since I graduated college and stayed after my father passed away) I get depressed. She took it the wrong way. She thought it was home that was depressing me and it is not home but it is where ever I am after work or on weekends. In my car, at the gym, home, one moment to the next. Anyway I started to cry in her office and she wanted to know what she said to make me cry. It was nothing she said it was just me. I could not explain it, it is just that my feelings can suddenly change like I have no control over them. She asked what I was thinking at that moment when I didn't answer her and I could not say anything. Out time was up and she said to e-mail her if I wanted to(which meant she hopes I do instead of leaving something unsaid) So I left and all I could think of was the whole way home was what I was thinking and what I could not tell her was on my mind at that moment and that was I hate myself and I don't know if I can take this anymore or even if I care. I guess I am not as on the up as I thought or hoped I was. In fact my mind keeps thinking how much I am unhappy with things in my life. How tired I am of taking meds, trying to figure things out and not really feeling like I am that I am as far along as I have lead some people to believe. I have gone through ECT before and do not think I am at that point that I need to go that route again yet their are days when I think being in the hospital would be a safer place and that maybe I would get the boost I need in the long run. Saying I hate myself and that I don't know if I can continue to do this at one point would really bother and really worry me today I just shook it off as well thats life and we'll see. I need someone to talk to. I need someone who understands, I need a friend. Is there anyone out there. Someone must understand. PLEASE HELP!!!!