Mostly I think I'm posting this to get it off my chest and see what other people might think. I'm pretty confused on where I should go from here.

I'm a deeply religious individual who is currently pursuing a vocation as a priest by going to a seminary. I'm an extremely self-introspective person, as all that time in ameditation and prayer gives me the opportunity. However recently I've noticed that some long 'standing' issues that I've had may be interrelated in some way (and some of these issues, in retrospect, I can see having had for a while but I've only recently noticed.

Fear of abandonment, deep visceral empty feeling in my core, instability of close relationships (not acquantiances though), fuzzy emotional memory, depression (mostly a deep self-hatred), and emotional instability.

Now, just looking at that little list there, I keep thinking it's BPD. However, I don't want to go to a therapist or psychologist because A) I don't have the means at hand, and B) any such diagnosis would get me kicked out of the seminary despite whatever treatments I might be able to undergo.

I don't have impulse problems except for a slight spending problem beginning earlier this year. I've never attempted suicide or even gestured toward it, although I have been diagnosised with depression and am on anti-depressants. I used to have internal rage monologues with myself, but they died down as I grew older and more religious. They have come back recently though, and I often find myself yelling at my best friend for almost no reason.

The only parts of this that really give me trouble are the "emptiness", relationship and emotional instability, and short term emotional memory. I'm fairly confident that the relationship instability can be gotten over as it's consistently gotten better as I've put more and more energy into figuring out why my relationships tend to stop after a point.

So I guess I just have a few questions:

-Do you think I really need a diagnosis to overcome these problems? They're serious I know, but it's something I'd rather avoid.

-Are there any good books to deal with the emotional instability and relationship instability?

-The emotional memory (I tend to get a really fuzzy emotional picture of people after they leave my presence. It's like they slowly lose their consistency until I almost have nothing left to remember except pictures in my head) is getting distressing, does anyone know any good ways to cope with this?