at least i am used to the pain i give myself, and i had shutdown a load of things so that i wouldnt feel the pain when I seperated myself from the world and decided it would be much better for both the world and me if that was the way i stayed - bad blood and all running through my viens.

After i was attacked the T i saw got everything out on the table (so to speak) opened all of pandoras box's and i am having a hard time dealing with it all - i feel like im from another planet I have had my "face" on for so long i dont really know who i was - if that was the real me - and i dont much like the new one -

letting people in is dangerous - I may be hard on the outside but i am soft as butter on the inside - unsure of everything - insecure (much as i hate to admit it) and .... vulnerable (oooh I so want to say NOT NOT NOT! - but that wouldnt be true and i am trying to be "real" here - that's a good word - real - i wish i knew what that was - and mostly i am afraid, afraid of ..lets just say it - rejection and the pain it will bring - dumb, dumb, dumb, ive dealt with that enough as a child i should be an expert by now!

I dont know what the answer is - I stand in the middle of a storm and try to see a way out but i cant see any - there is only the storm - i dont know what to do to make this better - i just want it to end. P7