Because I was actually sat with Connor's family at the time, no.. I didn't cry.. But any chance I did get, yes I cried.. When I finished the last book today, after reading nearly all of it last night, I cried. Absolutely poured my heart out..
I'm back to how I was when the depression first started.. On the phone to Sky, I faked how I really felt, I ut on a facade again, i pretended that despite crying for almost 4 hours, I was fine, absolutely dandy.. She seemed to believe me, but knowing her, she guessed by a hint in my voice somewhere..

But.. I'm fine in the wrong sense.. You know how it goes, right?
I'm not okay, I'm not happy, I'm not bubbly, I'm not bouncing with joy every now and then.. I sit in my room alone, wondering what to do with myself, wondering whether I can be bothered to go shopping, whether I'm not too scared to go.. Because of people.

I guess I cover up the scars because people that know That Family might see me and tell them.. I don't want them to know that I gave in, that i gave them what they wanted basically.. They wanted me to go so far down that I resorted to ridiculous measures in an effort to rid the world, myself, everyone, of ME. And I gave them that.. I was playing my guitar just now, and I recorded it on my new camera that Connor got me for Christmas, for my psp. I replayed it and felt kinda crappy because there was so little effort put into it and it just sounded boring and lazy. Then I came up with a new style of playing, so recorded that too, kept messing up and realised I couldn't sing whilst playing it because there's so many moves to do with my fingers and such. So that brought me down, too.. Because I don't want to have to have another guitarist playing for me at a gig, you know?

This is the only place I ever say how I really feel.. It's the only place I feel I CAN say how I feel. It's horrible, knowing that.. I mean.. At least I have somewhere to burst, you know? But.. Even my cbt worker, I can't talk to him like I do on here, i can't talk to my cpn, I can't talk to other counsellors, I've never found someone who I actually trusted.. I have no trust for all the people that I wished I would have trust for.. GAAAHH!! It's so Damned FRUSTRATING!!! I don't even understand myself.. And that's just even more frustrating and upsetting, ebcause how the hell can I talk to anyone if I don't understand ME????!!!

Lisa's already read the books. I don't think Connor would be interested to be honest, or if he did read it, he'd say "See, he's got through it!" Yeah, when he got away at the age of 12 and is now like 30!!! that's 18 years!! And he still wonders about it!! GRRRR!! Why don't people understand??!! It's so *******ed annoying and I just want to scream and hit stuff and cry and smash stuff up, like never before.. i never feel like this normally.. I'm just so agitated at the moment!!

Hmmmmmmm......... <Those dots were for every minute and sat and thought :P

*sigh* How is being here justice, when all i do is think about them, wonder about it, wonder why it happened and how and what I did to make it happen, why it was me? Why my twin, who was the naughtiest little s**t around, older than me, got away with murder! She got so drunk one night, she got into a massive fight and got brought home in a riot van.. Wha does that say to you? "she should be grounded for at the very least a week" or "Well, I'll have a word with her tomorrow, see how she acts and if she seems sincerely sorry, all we'll do is get the police to give her a curfew and let her out tomorrow night"? They took the frickin' latter!! WTF????!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was a nice, long, loud scream in my head. hmph. This really sucks and I really don't know how much more s**t I can take.. I've taken way too much over the past year since I've been out of there. Yes, it's only been a year and I "should have gotten over it by now". Pff. And it's not veen a whole year because for most of that time, they were giving me abuse from texts and phonecallls and around college and stuff and I couldn't go anywhere without feeling afraid that someone was after me on every corner..

And I'm still not away from that. I'm scared that because of the rape.. People are after me, people want to hurt me and that there's always someone following/watching me in some way or another, waiting for the time to pounce.. I'm still sat here contemplating whether to go shopping, I'm too scared, cold, tired, achey.. But then.. It's something to do I guess.. I suppose I'd better go before it starts to get dark, which will be in about an hour or so..

*sigh* I know I used to shout at them sometimes, but that's because they never listened, I know I could have a really sharp tongue at times and quite a fierce slam of my door and I used to play my music loud and scream at people when they came into my room without knocking.. But wouldn't any kid do that, especially if their Adoptive Father walked in and they were just stood in bra and knickers? Wouldn't just about ANYBODYdo that?! GRRRR it angers me so, so much!! I mean, even my youngest cousin, Anna did it and her parents would say "ohh sorry, Anna, I'm really sorry, I'll come back in a minute when you're done" but then again, that only happened once as far as I know, because my Aunt and Uncle were so careful about things like that and respected their children!

No-one's ever respected me, no-one at all. Yeah, maybe I had pretty crap self-respect, but I had enough to at least realise that what they were doing was wrong, along with Connor and his family's help.. And I knew that I should be respected and cared about, loved, etc. But no, nobody ever gave me that.. i mean.. Connor loved me, still does.. As far as I know.. Don't ask me why, I'm hardly worth it.. But then again I think well.. Why would he have stayed with me after all the s**t I've ut him through, if I didn't deserve to be loved?

I just.. Ohhhh I don't know *cries* everything's going backwards, back to the beginning.. It's all slotting into place now, I realise that it's all going back to how it used to be.. Talking to That Family, things causing me upset because of them.. Like my dog.. Me wanting to SI because of them, my ED getting worse again.. I don't know if you read my post in the eating disorder forum :| But yeah, that's getting bad again, my anger's gettign bad again, crying every day and every night, not sleeping much at all, so I look like a zombie more and more each day, not feeling like going anywhere.. It's all so wrong..