I think I told you guys about the email my aunt fowarded from my mom. The horriable horrable email coversation they were having between them and how for some reason she fowarded this to me with no warning. Once i started reading it I couldnt stop. It was very distressing. However I stuffed it down and went on because I had to. I also had the flashbacks of the kidnapping and I shoved the feelings I had down to. Then chrostmas time ebing the anniversary of the time my mom got into that shooting match with the cops and we were in the middle. I keep stuffing that down also. Then my uncle and his announcement and my realization I have been kidding myself that he could ever be a dad to me, so I just stuffed those down to. then the neighbor who I like and herbaby whom I watch for her as a favor are moving and my hart is breaking and I stuff it all down to. Then my emdr time is being moved from two hours to on hour and 20 min and that scares me too, i dont know if it will work, I stuffed that down to.
I had therapy yesterday and i could talk about this at all. iIt all so shoeved inside that it could just blow and i was afraid and I was nervous because I hadnt seen my therapist in two week I had talked to her but didnt see her and so i left her office and got in the parking lot and it all blew open and I flt so suicidal and it scared me. I tried to call my t's but was unable to reach them so i shoved it all back in as best as i could and went over to be with the baby and she is so stessed and clingy so when my T's called back I couldnt talk to them because I was trying to be a calm being to help this poor baby whos parents are breaking up and fighting and they have thrown off her schedule and her mom is crying and she being 9 months absorbs this and her little body was stressed. So I held her and sang to her while she clung to me and cried on and off. So then i picked up my girls in oregon after the babies mom got home when i got home my body was shivering and shaking my legs hurt (a flashbacK) I started crying and threw up. I told my kids i was sick and went to bed. I feel weak this morning and worn out.
stephanie aka stuffanie.