Thank you all for taking the time to "listen" to me and respond.

I agree that my suicidal ideation is definitely about not having words for expressing how badly I feel, and like I can only show it by killing myself. I'm not entirely clear why it involves T. I guess its because she is the only person in the world who knows how badly I feel (well, as best as I can express it, anyway) and even though she shows me that she cares, I don't fully believe her (because of all the usual "no one can really care about me" reasons) and I guess I want to evoke a feeling in her though obviously I wouldn't be there to witness it, so what's the point?

I have shared with her in general that suicide would be a way for me to finally express myself, though I haven't shared that it involves her in this way. I fear that she would drop me as a client. If if she didn't, I'd feel too embarrassed to continue after she had seen the depth of my "sickness."