the checking thing, i do that, its because you dont feel safe and you are trying to make yourself feel safe again - the more agitated you are the more you will find the need to check - dont beat yourself up about it - it is just you trying to protect you - try to be kind to yourself - you have been through an awful lot and you have survived so that shows you are strong - if you survived all of those events then you can do this - really you can - you are not alone - we are there with you

that help line sounds like a great idea - why not give it a go.

Im sorry you're "family" were hurtful when you SI'd - my sister couldnt understand either when I told her about it (in an effort to stop) - she got angry and made me feel ... well worthless - but im not and neither are you - you are a worthwhile human being and you certainly deserve a break - think about asking the police for a contact for rape counselling too - thats just another avenue of care that you may be able to access - i know they didnt offer one - but there should still be one.

Most of all be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone and things can get better P7