When you said doctor in your original post do you mean psychiatrist? I wonder if you are getting specialist advice. Obviously if you are feeling suicidal it is natural for your doctor to want to find a quick solution but as someone wisely mentioned, it can make you worse. Olanzapine like I stated earlier worked a treat and helped keep the suicidal ideation at bay. It also has a sedating effect and made me a bit fuzzy around the edges. I also used it for insomnia as tranquilisers and sleeping tablets didn't work for me. I have been mentally ill for about 16 years now and I can't even count how much medication I have been on and what I found was that some drugs had an easy transition and some didn't. I absolutely know your frustration. It can even be terrifying. The thing is that everyone is different and reacts to drugs independantly. I was put on lithium on a lesser dose about 8 years ago and I came off it after a year as I also felt like a zombie then and really struggled with it. This time I am on a much higher dose and feel pretty good. But I also have thyroid and adrenal problems so who knows. Some things about lithium if you did not know:

1. It is a trace element found naturally in nature. Its symbol on the periodic table is Li.

2. It can become toxic in the body quite quickly hence regular blood tests to check levels

3. Change in diet, environmental stressors, some illnesses can effect lithium levels

4. Keeping electrolyte levels important in the body as lithium can effect kidney function so at least a litre and a half water everyday is good but not too much water as it can dilute electrolytes

5. It is good not to be on a low sodium diet. Try pure sea salt(if you use salt for cooking) as it is better for cholesterol control and sea salt is also higher in iodine which in small doses is good for the thyroid.

6. Lithium is not residual in the body. It passes through quite quickly so that is maybe why it takes a while to start working.

It has taken about a year for me to really notice a difference but I have noticed me getting better and better as time goes on. My psychiatrist is very happy with the results and he has seen people sometimes take up to 18 months to feel the full effects of lithium. Some people take less and some people really struggle with it. Lets face it, it is a metal and no one really knows how it works and it is a dangerous drug so you need to have someone who really knows what they are doing. Lithium requires attention so it is not an easy medication but if you can get it right and not be sick with it, it can be very successful. Hope that helps and keep your chin up. This is just a small glitch in your overall treatment. It will pass as most things do. Just keep an eye on your feelings of fragility at the moment and take action if you feel you are in danger. We are all with you in this journey and want to see you safe.