Just so you all know...I have and do discuss all these problems with T. I have quite an open relationship with him. So, it's not as if I am not discussing something with him. Today I had an extra phone session and it became clear that my depression is rearing its ugly head again. I have a call into pdoc about increasing my anti d. Right now I am on such a low dose that T says it's not even therapeutic....

I don't believe that I am deliberately hanging onto old pain. I do believe that we have to "feel our feelings" as T says. The trick right now, for me and my therapy, is to feel these feelings that I split off when I was a child and they were too difficult to bear. So, now I get to feel them, have them, bring them with me--gee thanks, and remind my why I'm in therapy again? Yeah and I also wish to transform them but I'm so not there yet either. Right now I am so confused that I believed for a moment that T left me in my childhood home. Yes, so I'm sharing my pain but have accepted that it's mine to carry. And I have to believe that there is light at the end of this damned tunnel.