> I'm not entirely clear why it involves T. I guess its because she is the only person in the world who knows how badly I feel (well, as best as I can express it, anyway)

that makes sense.

> and even though she shows me that she cares, I don't fully believe her (because of all the usual "no one can really care about me" reasons) and I guess I want to evoke a feeling in her though obviously I wouldn't be there to witness it, so what's the point?

maybe the thought is that if she did cry and express sadness over your death (when you aren't around to see it) then that would be evidence that she genuinely does care for you. maybe that is what it is. a fantasy that she genuinely does care for you after all. that she wants to help you feel better. that she would feel bad if you didn't get better. maybe it is part of your processing her caring. kind of... trying to come to terms with the notion that she does genuinely care for you. that she would feel genuinely upset. accepting that... can be hard.

hang in there.