i can't do this, i can't and won't come to terms with living this pathetic non-life. i don't have happiness, all i have is pain, and struggle, and dumb little computer distractions. i can't even be creative anymore, that left with the meds-induced mania, all i do is stare at my stuff and wish i could do something with it. that mania was the only "happiness" i've had since 2002, when i thought i still had hope, and it was fake happiness. the depression and hopelessness is so bad i can't do anything consistently anymore - barely getting through school if i'm getting through at all, can't work, can't even keep stuff up around the house or figure out bills and crap. i've tried everything and there's no way out.