Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Are you mad at T and having a hard time recognizing or admitting that?
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So, what would you like to communicate to your T that would be communicated by her finding you? Suicidal ideation often doesn't mean that you want to die, but that you want something to change, or that you want something and don't know another way to get it. The thoughts are a signal to you that something is bothering you that you need to pay attention to.
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I'm mad at T in a way, in that I'm jealous of her being perfect (yeah, I know), having a happy life, and feeling "dirty" in a way that I've shared all this dark stuff with her and feel embarrassed. I don't think my fantasies around her finding me are to hurt her because I'm mad or jealous of her, but just to get confirmation that she cares because I can't believe that she does. I think for me suicidal ideation is that I really, really do want to do it, but I'm afraid (of not succeeding, or succeeding, not sure which I'm more afraid of) and I'm also a responsible person and am trying to keep in mind that its not all about me and my pain. Right now I'm the only one in pain in my little world. If I took my life, I would no longer be in pain which would be good, but several other people would be in pain instead, and that's not really fair.