thanks skymonk - maybe im not a complete waste of space then

Sannah, how do i give her a voice? if im too afraid to talk how can she? or have i answered my own question?

fuzzybear, your dancing bear always makes me smile

Muffy, the "you matter" thing, for some reason it made my eyes get watery (not a write word but the only one i can think of - i cant cry anymore so thats as far as i get - watery eyes - but no tears )

I guess that touched a nerve, I seem to have always felt that i dont matter that i am more of a hinderance to the world than a help, more the mud on its shoe than the smile on its face -

I think thats what drew me to nursing - i felt if i could help others get better and try to protect their dignity as much as you can (there is no dignity in a bedpan! ) then maybe i could be worthwhile, be part of somthing, a family of sorts, belong somwhere, anywhere ...... , i guess i just wanted..... i dont know what - somthing i never had... somthing i never felt or cant remember feeling - and probably couldnt deal with if i did. I'm not sure im capable of love... I can care about or for someone, I can put myself in harms way for someone, I love my cats but that is a safe love, I think im just rambling now..... sorry and anyway it's time to feed the kitties!

take care everyone P7