I had surgery almost 3 months ago and was fine for the first week. I was hit hard with severe depression the second week. I felt it like a punch in the stomach. No denying it, there it was. I kept thinking it was from the surgery (neck/spinal cord decompression) and that it would go as fast as it came. But, it came and stayed. I was told by my surgeon that after a month of depression I needed to see a pdoc. Mine is great in that he answers his own phone and returns calls quickly. He is, however, quite young. I saw him once and had a problem with insurance and medication and as a result went in for observation for a very short time. I was able to start the meds in the hospital and take some much needed time to devote to myself. The night before I was hospitalized I went to work at my midnight job. Something horrid happened as I walked down the hall to my desk. I knew I was in trouble but couldn't verbalize what was happening. I felt as though something inside me was eating away at me and I was slowly disappearing. I'm not a clock watcher by nature but that night every second was like an hour and I was surprised to make it to morning. I reflect back and wonder why I didn't die that night. It was awful. I pray to never experience that horror again. The mental picture I had was looking at myself in a mirror that was breaking and all the pieces smashing to the floor were parts of me. Bits and shards of me were all over the floor - broken and unrepairable. I'm on meds now and have been for about a month. So far I'm not thrilled with the results. I'm back about 30%. The problem is I liked, no, loved all of me. I'm wondering if I'll ever get myself back. Though I understand this is clinical depression, I find it baffling that it was not connected to sadness, self doubt, emotional loss or any of the usual triggers for clinical depression. In fact, I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm lost - gone - not effective. When will I be back? I miss me, very much.