My Support Forums - View Single Post - Watching Someone You Care About Disappear

scooterb · Jan 01, 2009 at 12:26 AM

I am having the roughest New Year's Eve. Do you ever feel so sad you are physically ill?
I live in a Sober Living house which can be pleasant or awful. Right now it's awful. I've lived here about 16 months and have that much time clean and sober, as well. Our house manager can go off on anger tangents and she has her best friend living here that likes to instigate things. It is too crazy to describe what happened last night, but I was accused of things absolutely false and screamed at for a good 30 minutes. Mean, ugly screaming! And then I was told to move out. I am a quiet, gentle, mature, educated and giving person and I was treated like I was a 3 year old criminal. I've seen this cycle here before - I was just always under the radar. It's like something broke in me. I don't want to live here and I don't want to even see the manager or her friend. If I am wrong I'll admit it, but if you accuse me of falsehoods I just want out of your way. I am on unemployment while I look for a new job and spent my afternoon looking for "affordable" rentals to share. I live in Pasadena, California and affordable is relative!
Also, I've been seeing this guy that relapsed and is back in recovery. I've been keeping my distance so that he can concentrate on his recovery. We talk everyday and have a lot in common, including a romantic spark. I lent him some money, because he was in a bind - I've never done that before - but I trusted him. It's been 17 hours and I haven't heard from him, at all. I don't know if he's loaded, hurt, in jail? I know there is nothing I can do, but the unknowing is killing me. I know that expectations are resentments waiting to happen, but I feel like my guts are being ripped out.
It seems like God decided to see how much I really could handle. I just wish He hadn't started my New Year 2009 off with such sorrow. I've written in my journal, and called my sponsor and friends, but I needed to share here, too.
Thanks for letting me vent.