Trigger for mention of self-injury and suicidal ideation

Okay, so far I don't like 2009. I would like to try a different year, please. Perhaps I can go back to 1989. I would be 8 years old and I would still have 19 years left with my dad.

Today, January 1st, is so hard. It marks the 4 month anniversary of his death. Every year, I would call my parents at 12am to say 'happy new year.' This year was the most empty feeling because I did not say to my mom, "Okay, now put daddy on the phone." Instead, my mom and I talked about how she never, ever thought she would start 2009 as a widow, and I never thought I would start 2009 without my father.

I am so tired of people saying, "I hope 2009 will be a good year for you. Hopefully this year will be better."

No, actually it will be worse. There is no way it could be better because at least in 2008, I had eight months with my dad. Now I have a whole year in front of me without him, the first of however many are left for the rest of my life.

I am having a terrible time tonight. H went to bed. No one that I know is available to talk. Plus it's 3:41 am. I already broke the no-cutting contract a little bit today because I couldn't take it anymore. That's what I left a message for T-- cause I broke the contract (on my wrist) while having suicidal thoughts-- not a good combination. He hasn't called back yet, but I'm not mad. He was expecting me to call later in the week, but instead, I called today. I'm sure he will get back to me.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel so empty. There is nothing I feel like doing, yet I don't feel like doing nothing.

And there is no way I'm calling a helpline-- they are completely unhelpful. I don't need to call a number so that someone can ask, "What coping skills do you think you can use so you won't hurt yourself? Can you journal? What about watch TV? Read? Do you see a therapist?" I'm not a ****ing idiot. Right now, I need a lot more than that.

I feel so unsettled; so distressed.