Sorry to hear about your Dad. I can totally relate to how you feel. I lost my Mom to an illness in July 2007 and then 5 months later my Dad was killed in a car accident. It was Dec, 10, 2007 so there was no Xmas or New Years for me last year. This year New Year's Eve was a tough night because at midnight I thought too about how I used to call my Parents at midnight to say Happy New Year. This holiday season was a real struggle too. I do know from my experience that these days in particular can seem so hopeless but the holidays pass and you feel different a day or two later. You are still sad but not as sad. Not sad to the point of feeling hopeless. I'm sure your Mom can use you now and hurting yourself would devastate her. As hard as it seems, be there for your Mom and appreciate the time you have with her. I expected to have so much time with my Dad after my Mom's passing and it was taken away so suddenly and so soon after my Mom's passing. I have so many regrets for not appreciating the time I had with my Parents more. I don't think most people understand this kind of grief unless they have been through it themselves. I know I sure didn't have a clue about grief until all this happened. I have my good days and my bad days with my grief. It's not easy but I'm sure your Father would want you to live a happy life.