Connor's not being helpful at all *cries* I mean, he asks me to talk to him and when I do, he gets annoyed, or tells me to ignore certain people or says that it's nothing or it's only something stupid.. Belittles my feelings... Makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid. He had a go at me last night for drinking some of MY bailey's without him knowing.. I was pouring drink after drink down my neck in an effort to get drunk as quickly as possible, to drown out the sorrow and such I felt..

I ended up in tears when we went to bed.. i can't remember what set me off.. But Connor tried to comfort me and stuff and it was about my Dad and others again and he said he didn't know what to say, so I said as long as it wasn't "just get over it" or anything harsh like that, it didn't matter what he said. He turned away after a while..

I'm fed up of all of this, really, terribly fed up..
Found out that someone who used to live here, the longest serving resident was found in his flat, dead in his sleep.. He was only 19 or 20. We're guessing it was something to do with him being diabetic.. I found this out the moment I walked in the door.. I'm still pretty shell-shocked because I don't know how to react.. So many bad things are happening at the moment and I seriously can't take much more bad news.. One of my friends was sectioned after she went to get a cut tended to and the nurses told her she'd be seeing a psych that night and she came back with "I don't need or want your help, I'll kill all of you then kill myself."

I can feel myself slipping down that way.. If anyone says anything bad to me, like if the police say to me that the guy got away with the rape, I'll completely lose it and end up in hospital.. i know it. Not from OD'ing or anything, but from completely losing my head and saying something just as crazy as that. I know it. If not to authorities, to people that are close to me and are friends with me, or to my counsellors.. I'm terrified.

I'm lost, I'm alone, I'm ripped to pieces and my whole life is unravelling before my eyes and everything is going wrong again.. I'm ok-ish today, but the one thing that is getting me through today is the fact that later, I'll be drinking a bottle of vodka and going out to get more. It sounds awful but.. I can't help it. It's the only thing keeping me going atm. Today, to me, is just another day to get through. Just another dreary, horrible day..

How depressing do I sound?!