When you lose a parent suddenly, it is much more difficult to cope with. With my dad, we all knew he had cancer and was dying, but with my mom, well, she died suddenly of a heart attack in her early 40's. The shock is still there whenever I think of that day. It's been 30 years. I still cry sometimes about it. It's like time stands still.

I know you feel disconnected from your father. I had a very close relationship with my dad, and since he knew he was dying and wouldn't be around to see me grow up (I was 12 when he died), he made sure to teach me how to stay connected after he was gone. I don't feel he is "gone", in fact, he has stayed in contact with me throughout the years. You might wonder if I'm psychotic, lol, but my therapists have agreed that I am not, and they also believe that my dad's spirit has communicated with me. Neither of my parents ever lived long enough to know me as an adult, or to know my children, but I know that they do know me and my children. I know that.

You can get to a place where you maintain the connection and still go on living your life, moving forward in life. You don't have to "let go" or "stay stuck". Keep him with you internally. I know it's easier said than done. It has only been 4 months since your dad died. I don't know why people think there are time limits to grieving. I still grieve at times after 30 years! I have also continued to build my life and live it. My parents are still part of my life. I still think of them and remember the things we did when I was a kid, and I feel very much loved. Love doesn't disappear. It's still there.

I know you don't want to hear about using coping skills, but healthy coping skills do help. When you cut, that is a coping skill. It's just not a healthy one, and can cause more harm than good. Are there any songs that remind you of your dad, or that you heard as a child growing up that might help you feel connected to him? Any good songs from 1989 that you associate with those times? I have a few songs that make me feel connected to my dad and I listen to them whenever I feel disconnected. It helps.