i could really relate to your hopelessness and helplessness. i too felt that way for many, many years. it was such a struggle to get by daily. it took so much mental energy. i said all i am doing is breathing air.
imho, i don't believe that god had a hand in this. at least for me it was a chemical imbalance that i was born with. as an adult i sought professionsal care and was fortunate enough to find 2 excellent doctors that treated me. they wanted to help me get well too. i told them later that i know that god sent them to me. that's just for me, mind you, so i am not trying to press my own beliefs on you.
i know it is unbearable to be where you are at. i must admit that i don't know what enabled me to continue to seek out help until i found the professionals that really knew how to help me. i was at the end of my rope. that is why i call my experience a miracle.
i hope the same miracle will happen for you too.
meanwhile know there are some of us here at pc that can acknowledge and know how very badly you feel.