Happy New Year Everyone!
I am trying really hard to remain optimistic and strong during my break from T until February. I thought about what some of you said in regards to asking T to work something out, either by seeing if they offer sliding-scale fees or paying out of pocket (180/session...) or if she can call my insurance company until my coverage is effective but I dont think I can do that. I havent worked myself up to asking for what I need or want yet. I am so used to struggling when the going gets tough. The thought of having to ask for help petrifies me.

Anyways, despite the fact that I feel like I have traveled back in time over the last couple of days, there are things I have found out recently that put knots in stomach and that I can feel my anxiety levels rising and could really use some reassurance, I have been debating if I even want to go back to therapy. During my last session right before Christmas, T asked me to sit with my fears and try to figure out what they say is going happen...Well I did, and oh my, I didn't realize just how many I had. I don't even know where they came from. I don't know when or how they emerged. It's crazy! I am crazy...With all those fears how the hell have I been living??? I haven't. And I am so frustrated with myself right now. How can T possibly help someone with an entangled mess of fears that need to be counted on more than 2 hands??? I promised T and my GP I wouldn't______but I did...I have been. What is she going to think??

Then I know she could probably help me tremendously. I don't want to be stuck in this prison I've created for myself anymore. I can't do it. I feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind and myself completely if I keep on the same path I have been. I need to take another route. My parents gave life to my body, but not my spirit. I need to trust T help me cultivate my spirit and give me life, but the process to do that--essentially unlearning my self taught skills and learning healthier ones--scares the life out of me. I have to move out of so many of my comfort zones and that thought overwhelms me. But I know I need to do it.

I am still questioning the process, but I know I need T right now. My mind is going in circles now... Sorry I just needed to get some thoughts out.