Man it's been 10 months and nothing has changed.
Makes me realize how screwed up people can be. I still for the life of me can't understand how someone can raise 5 kids and not know anything about the human condition.
I went to my sister's last week
Here's a clip form my journal I had started once i found out how to password protect documants
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Back from my vacation to S’s. It was nice to visit paradise for a few days. I got some cds I’ve been desperately needing and looking for. It’s like the NIN song, “I want something I can never have”. Play house is just play, it will never be.
She let me drive to wal-mart. I told her how it was amazingly better on me to drive vs. passenger than I could have thought. However, she didn’t let me drive home. It seems it was just a patronizing. I remember having to ask her an hour before we left to come home, “because of my medications I need to know if you are going to let me drive home, that if not I need to take my medications for the trip.” “I was planning on driving” she said. This was the realization for me. I just turned around with the disillusionment; and sorrow for what is lost. I knew it would be thus but nevertheless sucks all the same.
We talked about all that is predictable. Also the fact I’d be depressed when I turn 30 and the fact that when I get to my ideal weight and in shape I’ll probably loose my mind. That’s why I’m talking to people about it now. But after the rejection, sooo predicable though it is, I’ll try just to answer any letters she gives me with the, “same ol’ %#@&#!”.
I’m just tired of all the wealth around me and no freedom given. I’m not taking anymore ******** anymore. If those around me don’t want to listen than I’ve done all I can. Maybe the music I got will bring me peace…To a point. Nothing will ever change. Why can’t those who say they care do what is needed to care. All just words, and I’m loosing my mind. what’s their problem
Later;
They all just give me what I need to vegetate and keep what’s left of my sanity. I’m going to go insane and all they do is pleasantries. I had it better in my mind out in the workshop. They know the hell I’m in and they have the power to deliver me from it. They can’t love me at all. I thought I was mistaken when I said they only love me because I’m family, I even believed this was harsh on my part. But I see now that they don’t really love me at all. It’s so basic. Those you love you help, help by giving them what they need to get by, to have a chance at happiness. Not to just wish well and be on their way. That’s keeping in touch, not loving. I think I’ve learned better what the meaning of love is. I didn’t really think I could’ve learned it by means of lack of it.
I don’t know why I can’t cry. The eyes water but nothing more. Maybe I’ve just gotten too the point where I’m losing my ability to be a normal human. Or maybe I’m the only one. I don’t care I just need this to end. I can’t die, even though I truly don’t know why.
I think I’ll just break contact with my cyber world. Even though I know I won’t do this totally. I can’t become dependent on such hopelessness as the cyber world is. I need human contact and I just can’t get it there. I’m no longer going to repeat myself to those around me. Just here on the keyboard. To the others… I’ll just be a zombie. It’s what I am after all.
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I came to this site to see if i could find a non-cyber isolation support group. I looked for one before and didn't find anything. I doesn't matter anyway because I'm not let out of this house and my
"family" is too busy. All a big pill of @$#% $hit. Nothing is going to change this. A theiripist may convence my mother to let me out but in the end she won't. The best I'll get is one or two trips to a support group but not enough to do anything on a regular basis.
I mainly posted here as a way to keep busy...The only reason I'm not erasing this is I'm not going to let all this typing go to wast.