Every now and then I stand in the middle of the storm - it still rages about me but i am in the centre where it is calm - that is where i am at this moment in time and i realise somthing -

a long time ago I decided to do somthing - i made a list of things i had to do first - planned everything and got down to two items left - then my friend bugged me enough that i went to see a T who was great and i took a step away from my list and put it to the back of my head. Every now and then it raises its head and says hi - sometimes i can brush it away other times i have to pull myself back from the edge - these times are hard (der stating the bl**ding obvious!) I am so trying to be cool calm and in control but i feel the storm getting closer as i speak of it.

Anyway thats the background and heres the question; I feel like i am lying next to a tiger - its quiet and if i stay calm it will not harm me -but i dont know when it will turn round and bite me and if i'll survive the next time - I always have so far- so is there really a danger? - (so if i dont talk about it it will be ok) I would like to find a way to be safe - safer - (not sure that exists - so want another word.....) you see i even have a problem using real words for this

- im not sure i can even talk to T about this - why is this so hard! Im not in harms way - so if i ignore it it will go away LOL !!!!! I know i should probably, maybe, perhaps, possibly talk to T about this - but if writing about it makes it come closer - will talking about it just make it worse - should I let sleeping tigers lie LOL

Maybe I am afriad , as someone here said , of being locked up, when i was about 5 - i used to have seizures - i dont remember - they did ECT (electric shock treatment) on me to try to stop them - so i can imagine that the child would be at home one minute then (have a seizure) wake up somewhere else where they gave you electric shocks - maybe thats why i tried to be small and quiet and invisible - maybe im just afraid of being taken away again -

ive rambled again - its hard to come to the point, hard to speak the words - part of me still wants to die - its not the part thats in control - and i want it to leave or to hold it until the tears come - but i have no tears - and i dont know if it will just lessen with time and no discussion, whether that would be the better option or not - so I guess thats the question - better left alone or stir the tiger?

(dam it! i think i just broke a promise - no, i didnt, i didnt cut myself, i scratched my arm till.. dam it! )