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i made it through the holidays, tomorrow was my goal. The first normal day of 2009 with no party/holiday/whatever.
tonight a friend i had been good to had an insider part (she and i are both mpd/did) who ripped into me because i had not been sympathetic to her. Apparently i had been preachy instead.
last straw. It was the last straw. I want to hurt myself so badly. I am so angry. I give as best i can and sometimes more than i can afford. Then when a person is suddenly angry and just rips me open when i was just trying to help. I feel so hurt and so angry that i just cant do this anymore and just want to do someething to protest all the abuse and damage done to me when i was just trying to get along and give as well as take.
i want to hurt someone and the only one i would hurt is me. I just can't hurt someone else and become just like them, so that only leaves me. Nothing else seems to be severe enough to make an impact and be big enough to protest my hurt and pain and rage.
both of us were sra survivors and i was good to her and then she rips me up. It is soo wrong. I wish i could hurt myself, i wish i could do it and it be deep and bad and serious and then maybe someone would see me. I'm sick of being invisible
ghosty, the invisible, receptacle of all the pain/rage/damage/shame/scorn 000000000000000000000000
i really do not matter. I thought i did but i really do not matter. They will always hurt me and slash me and rip me up. I am a trashcan for the pain and rage they feel. God help me because i do not know what to do.
ghosty 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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