I had an epiphany tonight. I was thinking about why I always sabotage relationships. Like.... my boyfriend is out of town for a week. Any other guy would definately cheat on me (as they have before) so I, being stupid and just expecting him to do it, started picking stupid little fights and egging him on to break up with me. When he asked me why I said "because youre going to do it eventually so you might as well just do it now". And I never felt this way until the last maybe 4 years. Then I realized that, about 4 years ago, is when I found out everything about my father.

He was cheating on my step-mom for months, spent the night in jail for trying to strangle her, verbally abused my mother, smokes pot and does coke and lies constantly; whether its telling grandiose promises he know he wont keep, or just straight up lying like cheating.

So I guess its like this: the one guy that I looked up to for 17 years turned out to be a total jerk and encompasses everything I dislike about "typical" men. So if that one guy turns out to be an ***... why wouldnt every other guy turn out to be an *** too?

So now I find myself throwing temper tantrums and getting mad over stupid stuff just trying to get my boyfriend to break up with me so that I wont have to deal with him "inevitably" cheating on me. And I know that me pushing him like that would probably drive him to cheat or leave me but I can't just let it go. Its like whenever things are going well I have to go and F it up.

Have I just been unhappy for so long that I don't know how to just be normal and happy? Why can't I let this thing with my dad go and accept that, even though my dad did that stuff, that doesnt mean every guy will do that to me? Why did it even effect me to the point where I finally have a good guy and I can't even be happy about it? I go looking for stuff to go wrong so its my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Grrr.... Im so mad at myself!