(((((((DUSTIN)))))))))

How are you doing now? I wasn't able to check PC very frequently since 24 DEC. so I haven't read most of this. I'm really sorry that your having such a difficult time right now.

NEVER apologize for who you are. You are NOT defective.

I'm not sure if what you relayed here about your T's comments in session toward you were an erroneous, misplaced perception due to some sort of cognitive distortion, or if she really said those things. All previous posts about your T seem to be that she was a pretty good T, so this is surprising. Something doesn't fit. Entertain the possibility that you might have misperceived your T's comments and that she might have said/meant something else.

What you describe your T doing sounds abusive, in which case you should NEVER see her again. However, it is more likely that (considering your past statements about your T) you had a misunderstanding and/or miscommunication with your T. Even if this is the case, it doesn't mean your defective or somehow bad or worthless; it only means someone heard wrong or misspoke.

Do you have anyone else that knows you personally who you could trust enough to talk to about this situation? As in, friend or family member? If you told your dad your situation, could/would he front you the money for a new private therapist?

Have you considered seeing your student counseling center at your university? Usually those visits are FREE, and I usually recommend them as a last resort if other resources or funds are not available. It would help to talk about this with another psychologist who might be more sensitive and objective.

Remember that the sun always breaks through the darkness of the night. Hope is always present. Never give up.
sam