I didn't act upon it, but drank my sorrows away instead. I don't normally get hangovers, but since it's the second night in a row that I've got drunk, I'm really quite ill. Plus, on top of that, I'm ill as it is and can barely eat or drink anything, so.. That doesn't help

I don't have a t as such, I'm seeing a cbt counsellor, and a cpn. My cpn is no help whatsoever and just makes me feel even worse. I can't talk to her at all. My cbt counsellor.. We get on really well, I've been seeing him for over a year now, but.. I just can't seem to tell him my feelings.. There are so many times I've wanted to cry but I've just pushed it all down, so many times he's asked how I am and I've said; "I'm tired, but otherwise I'm fine" yet that's not the case at all! Even when he saw me sat waiting outside his office, for a friend who was seeing him, to come out.. And noticedthat I'd been crying and such, he asked me what was wrong and I said; "Nothing, I'm fine, honest" He gave me a look and a "hmmm" as if to say 'I know you're not.. But I won't press on it.'

I just wish that I would speak out about how I feel, but I find it so hard.. Just recently in our sessions, my mind has been wandering off to another place, there are lots of silences and he said the week before last; "You've gone awfully quiet on me, Kirst, why's that?" I just jumped and said "no reason, it's alright, i was just thinking" he asked what about and I just brushed it off as nothing much.

The one thing that keeps stopping me from SI'ing is remembering how long I've been without it and thinking 'I can do just one more day.. I can at least Try and do it..' So, I made it without SI'ing, but still drank.. Which in a way is another way to hurt myself, hence drinking excessively to feel sick.

I'm still really struggling, but holding onto the fact that I've been... 51 days without it and I'm proud of that, that's the longest I've been without it when I've been counting

But.. Things are still rough this end. Connor phoned me last night, and.. I don't remember much of what was said to be perfectly honest. I remember him putting the phone down on me because I was shouting and crying.. I then asked him to get Sky to call me.. I needed to speak to her, he got funny about it because he wants me to talk to him.. But when I do.. He gets angry with me or doesn't know how to help me and I feel bad for that. So, Sky phoned and for the first time, heard me cry on the phone.. I don't regret it, I actually feel really quite elated now that I've really let out my most inner deep feelings. She was there for me to talk to and to cry to and tell her how I feel and it really helped.

I just wish that I didn't cry every day and every night.. I hate it..