Dear T,

This is very very hard for me to admit...in fact it's excruciatingly painful for me to admit, but I am STRUGGLING right now. Being honest with someone and letting him or her know that I feel like I am falling apart at the seams is something I NEVER do...I can't do. They all think I have it together. Outwardly, it can appear that way...inside, it's a different story. im writhing. My stomach, heart and mind feel like they are being contorted into masses of tension that eventually need to be relieved by divulging inmethods I am too ashamed to talk about.

Anyways, I feel like I have been catapulted back in time. The other day, I think it was Christmas day as a matter of fact, I woke up and laid in my bed trying to figure out what it was about me. There is something about me that everyone knows but me, I am sure of it. There has to be a reason why I feel like I was treated differently than my sister. Not by much, but it was definitely noticeable. Why was I the only one that fell off of counters and tables and beds and chairs? Why was I the only one who in a span of 2 years or less got stitches in my forehead twice?? Why was I the scared one? Why was I the one who mangled my fingers and cut my hands with heavy stocked paper at 7 and 8? Why was I the one who suddenly had an inch of hair on her head and my mother to this day claims she has no clue why, even given the fact that the hair on my sister's head went untouched??? 14 inches of hair gone and my mother has no clue what happened....Why am I the one who has always felt different? Like something wasn't /isn't right with me. My mother didn't think too highly---I heard her talking about me. Hearing her words or lack thereof crushed and evaporated whatever was left of me. Your guess to any of these questions is as good as mine....

I have always imagined myself dying young or maybe I just hoped I would. I still do...I dont want to live a "nice long life" I want to be dead and just say screw this. Technically I am dead...my insides are black. There is nothing to me. I just hope my body decides to give up soon. I secretly wish for a life threatening cancer to invade and fester inside my body. I hope doctors catch it too late so we can nix the idea of my possibly making out alive on the other side of it. When I die I imagine I'd be perfect. If there is such a thing as heaven. I'd be PERFECT. Everything about me would be. I imagine being beautiful, worry and pain free, happy. I'd be alive. Love would surround me. There'd be a glow about me...when I think about this, I long for death even more so. Technically I wouldn't be dead. If you think about it i'd be very much alive, just on the other side. I am a walking talking dead woman. My spirit is dead. It's been dead...there's a pit there instead. I feel like an incomplete puzzle. There are pieces of me missing and I dont know where they went or if i ever had them to begin with.

I have no one to tell any of this to. B would tell me to get over it. J would tell me the same thing or she'd probably call me crazy and tell me to stop talking bad about my parents. My parents...well they seem to be the source of my problems so I can't tell them. Even if I tried, they'd probably tell me to go to church and pray about it. If I talk to my sisters about it they'd tell me to stop blaming my parents. And my friends...well I don't feel like I deserve a listening ear from them. I don't feel like I deserve help from anyone. Not even from you. There's a part of me that feels like I don't deserve your help and there's a part of me that doesnt want it and theres a part of me that doesnt think I need it. But I am petrified. Despite the fact that I long for a very short life, I have a feeling i won't get my wish and the thought of living like this for 40 plus years...i can't even imagine it. I dont want to. A long ,lonely sad life. I am not lonely because of the depression. I am lonely because i have a huge fear of rejection that won't let me be the presence of others. But G-d I hate being alone. i jsut want to be liked and loved and accpeted. I fear i will slip into complete invisibilty and no one will remember me. No one will think or care about me. I will die alone. And what will anyone say at my funeral? Will anyone be there?? I dont want a funeral. I dont deserve one and wouldnt need one I just want to be burried and continue to be forgotten. I want to float above the clouds in a flowing white dress. I want to walk on streets paved in gold and talk to the animals. I want to be worry and pain free. i want to feel happy and alive. I want breathe life, eat life and revel in it, but not this one. I am tired of this one....

I dont have the heart to do anything outlandish. If it weren't for my twin i probably wouldve by now. she is my ONLY connection to life on this planet. She was all I had and is all i have. I am drifting further and further away and can't wait for my body to catch up with the spirit that is already dead...but it just won't give. whatever i do, no matter how much I drink, i could exercise myself into the ground and starve myself a and still I go the the doctor and I am healthy as a horse..great, just great. I could drive recklessly down the highway at 85 miles per hour weaving in and out of traffic and nothing happens...not even a ticket...

It's a new year, but same old ****....

-LLT