Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix7
Every now and then I stand in the middle of the storm - it still rages about me but i am in the centre where it is calm - that is where i am at this moment in time and i realise somthing -
a long time ago I decided to do somthing - i made a list of things i had to do first - planned everything and got down to two items left - then my friend bugged me enough that i went to see a T who was great and i took a step away from my list and put it to the back of my head. Every now and then it raises its head and says hi - sometimes i can brush it away other times i have to pull myself back from the edge - these times are hard (der  stating the bl**ding obvious!) I am so trying to be cool calm and in control but i feel the storm getting closer as i speak of it.
Anyway thats the background and heres the question; I feel like i am lying next to a tiger - its quiet and if i stay calm it will not harm me -but i dont know when it will turn round and bite me and if i'll survive the next time - I always have so far- so is there really a danger? - (so if i dont talk about it it will be ok) I would like to find a way to be safe - safer - (not sure that exists - so want another word.....) you see i even have a problem using real words for this
- im not sure i can even talk to T about this - why is this so hard! Im not in harms way - so if i ignore it it will go away LOL !!!!!  I know i should probably, maybe, perhaps, possibly talk to T about this - but if writing about it makes it come closer - will talking about it just make it worse - should I let sleeping tigers lie LOL
Maybe I am afriad , as someone here said , of being locked up, when i was about 5 - i used to have seizures - i dont remember - they did ECT (electric shock treatment) on me to try to stop them - so i can imagine that the child would be at home one minute then (have a seizure) wake up somewhere else where they gave you electric shocks - maybe thats why i tried to be small and quiet and invisible - maybe im just afraid of being taken away again -
ive rambled again - its hard to come to the point, hard to speak the words - part of me still wants to die - its not the part thats in control - and i want it to leave or to hold it until the tears come - but i have no tears - and i dont know if it will just lessen with time and no discussion, whether that would be the better option or not - so I guess thats the question - better left alone or stir the tiger?
(dam it! i think i just broke a promise - no, i didnt, i didnt cut myself, i scratched my arm till.. dam it! ) |
((phoenix7)))) rambleing is good. It gets it out of you...sometimes with rambleing come some clear thoughts..yes they may cause pain. But they need maybe to come out.
words at times are hard for me. To express what i want to, I have no problem doing it in print or when defending things i believe in. For myself well thats a different story...
What you went threw as a child had to have been very scarey. Which would effect your life.
As I have said before ((((you matter very much))))))))))))))))
(((((tears at some point will come))))))) when they do its ok...its ok to cry..
you said ((I like the idea of the lion and the lamb lying down together in peace - do you know that happened with an impala fawn in Africa a few years ago - a lioness that they thought had lost her cubs adopted an impala fawn for a while - unfortunately it ended badly.))))))))))
When I first came to pc I picked the lamb in chat. As that best suited me. It still does. I have always stuck with it. To me a lamb means calmness, quiet, sometimes feels alone and fear. But a lamb is strong. Stubborn. Wants to live. You will make it. Because my friend ((((we all care here))))))
It does not always end badly.
The lesson is you are stronger than you think......and when you are not we will keep telling you that
((((((((((((you matter very much)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Muffy the lamb