For the last 2-3 years, I've been trying to figure out if I have DID, or if I just do the normal kind of dissociating that it typical for BDP and PTSD clients. I will explain what happens to me, and I hope those of you with DID will offer your opinions. I realize that these are just opinions and not official diagnosis.

I first became aware of having parts after my first breakdown into a severe clinical depression at the age of 34. At that time, I suddenly became acutely aware of a traumatized child part of myself that held extreme pain from past childhood neglect by my parents and SA by a neighbor, as well as other traumatic things that had happened to me. When I am in my normal adult frame of mind, I feel like I have things under control and am not aware of feeling particularly unhappy or needy. But when I get triggered about past events from childhood (or sometimes even when I talk about them), then this "child part" of me seems to emerge. This typically happens in therapy.

When the child part of me emerges, I am flooded by feelings of shame, abandonment, neediness, and emotional pain. It seems to come on quickly, and sometimes, the pain feels absolutely overwhelming and so large that I feel literally unable to bear it. At those times, I feel every bit like a small child who has been abandoned or is in danger, and I feel desperate for physical comfort from my t and/or some kind of rescue from the pain that feels unbearable. There is usually alot of crying, and afterward, I feel extremely tired and very spacy. However, I do not lose time.

I am aware of when the child part of me is active and most of the time, I can recall afterwared what I've said and done. However, after it's over and I've returned to my typical controlled adult way of being, I usually feel very surprised and embarrased by the way I behaved or the things that I said. Looking back on it, whatever I had reacted to doesn't seem like such a big deal, and I am stumped as to how and why I behaved so extremely pained, fearful, needy, etc. I have noticed that I think and feel very differently, depending on whether I am in my normal frame of mind or triggered into my child-like state.

Also, sometimes when I am in that child-like state, poems will come pouring out of me. I write them without knowing what I am trying to say. However, when I read back over them, I find that they are often complex. They read as though a person with literary skill pored over them and put alot of thought into them. However, when I write them down, it feels more like they are just "coming to me" from somewhere and I am only recording them on paper. The theme of the poems is always about loss, abandonment, being fragmented, in danger, and in need of rescue. They are always very full of pain. But, like I said, in my normal way of being, I'm not usually aware of feeling emotionally pained.

My therapist has told me that these incidents are incidents of dissociation. We talked once before about whether I was DID or not, and after going through questions, determined I was probably not DID, though she said my level of dissociation was "about halfway between a normal person and someone with DID." However, I think we are not really sure. As therapy progresses, I'm becoming aware of other parts of me also. Not only is there a hurt, needy part of me, but also a part that wants to be hurt/abused and an angry part. These also feel like "young" parts of me. Therapy has become complicated because parts of me feel different ways, particularly the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants comfort and rescue versus the part of me that desires to be hurt and in pain versus the part that fears attachment and wants to detach or avoid.

It is starting to be hard for me to understand and figure out the way forward, when I am so clearly fragmented. But most of this fragmentation occurs when I become into these other "child states." In general, in my day to day life, I'm usually able to control things so that nobody would notice or even know I have these other states. But it's the talking and uncovering things in therapy that usually causes this to happen. The times I've had an "episode" in front of others is rare, but each time, those who have known me for years react with great concern, fear, and puzzlement -- not knowing what to do -- because they've never seen me like that before.

So. . .can anybody give me some opinions? Does this sound like DID? Or just minor dissociation? Also, when you realize that you are very fragmented and your thoughts/feelings/needs change depending on your ego state, how do you go about feeling more integrated and whole? Is there ever a way of putting it all together? Sometimes, it feels overwhelming trying to understand and reconcile all the parts of me that feel different ways.