I know "needing T" is controversial right now, please be nice.

I had a very scary medical test today. Well, the test wasn't scary, but the possible outcome is VERY scary. H is scared too, and I can't talk to him about it, because his fear scares me...so I tell him "I'm SURE I am fine, don't borrow trouble, etc" because I can't handle him being scared. So I can't tell him I am scared. It's nothing contagious, he's just scared for me and scared of losing me. Ugh. I have no idea if this is making any sense.

During the day I am okay, but things seems scarier at night. T is on break. I did send an e-mail and asked him to respond if he is anywhere near a computer, but I seriously doubt he will check his e-mail. AND I don't know what kind of break this is, because we didn't discuss it. Like, is this a "I'm totally not available" break, or a "I'm not in the office, but available if you need me" break? I will be SURE to always ask in the future, because it would sure be nice to know right now.

I am almost on the verge of panic, honestly. I'm shaking and my heart is racing. I don't know how to calm myself down. The possibility of this test being positive feels very real and very scary. There are really valid reasons to worry that the results of this test will be positive...and then I don't know what will happen, but it will be bad.

I'm so vague, I'm sorry.

Anyhow, I REALLY NEED T. I need to be able to tell someone what is going on without them freaking out and getting scared too. I know T will worry, but he will be okay. I've told my friends what is going on in a very lighthearted kind of way, because I can't handle their fear.

I don't know what I even want in the way of replies. I guess I just wanted to tell people who understand how much T would be a real help to me right now.