Wow, radio_flyer, I think I'm on to something with your "married both my mother and father" comment. I think I married my mom and my dad and my stepdad, but I also AM my mom in some aspects (probably because I married my "dad").

!!!---POSSIBLE TRIGGERING COMMENTS---!!!

I didn't grow up in a physically abusive household and I'm not clear on the emotional aspects between my mom and dad. But I remember a few times where my mom just had to leave the house to get away and me not understanding where she was going or why she was leaving me. We moved out once when I was 4, but then came back a few months later, then we left permanently when I was 12/13. She was admitted to a P hospital for a few months once when I was in 2nd grade after a SA.

My mom always made more money than my dad, even though my dad had a successful horse shoeing business of his own. She was probably the one in charge of all of the expenses, and he most likely didn't like that. My ex made it clear that he was more important than me because he made more money. He'd put me in charge of the bills, but then take away that responsibility when he didn't know where every penny was going. Then bills started getting paid late, but he wouldn't give the task back to me. He expected me to pull more weight in the household to make up the income difference, even though I worked full time too and was taking care of two small children. I gave up more of "me" to become "wife" and "mom" while he was still just Tony.

I remember the occasional argument, nothing physical, and I honestly can't remember what was said. I never feared for myself, and only once when my brother shoved my mom was I ever scared for her. I don't ever remember being ridiculed by my family. I was actually the one always getting praised and being told how cute I was in the outfits my mom made for me. (good lord that's what my ex always did, had me on a freakin pedestal where I didn't belong). I do remember packing some grocery bags with clothes when I was 8 and saying I was running away during a fight. It must have been for something silly, because my mom did the usual "here, let me help you" routine. LOL

It wasn't until her second marriage when I was 16 that I was subjected to obvious emotional abuse by my stepdad. I heard it on a nearly daily basis and the guy was a jerk to begin with, so I must have gotten desensitized to it or blew it off. I must have started believing it was true, though, because when my ex started in with it, I just accepted it.

I'm rambling. But I'm starting to piece things together. I remember wanting to just escape some days because I felt like a prisoner and my ex was the warden. I ended up on a 3-day hold in the county hospital...I'm starting to feel like I'm reliving my childhood only this time I'm my mom.