Ok, so normally when I don't sleep, I can find something to do, or just lay in bed reading.. Damned myself when i finished my book last time I couldn't sleep! Now I've read every book I have! *is angry*

So, last night, I didn't get to bed until about 11:30. I thought 'Hey, I'm knackered, sleep will come easy tonight. YESSS!' *punches the air* But no, my body didn't want to sleep. It wanted to keep me up all night, crying, in pain and other such things. I was just starting to drift off at around 1:30, when a horrific pain gripped my insides, like someone was twisting my stomach so tight, I could barely breathe. So, here I was writhing around in pain wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I felt sick, tired, weak etc. So I waited until it went away. It slowly did, so I tried drifting off to sleep again..

Still, my body didn't want me to drop off to sleep at all.. I feel into a very light and restless sleep at around 3am and started to have very vivid, disturbing dreams, causing me to become paranoid.. Some were about my bf, some were about random people, but to do with the rape, which freaked the hell out of me and now I'm terrified of going anywhere after 6. Some were about my Mother and Step Dad, too.. And The Adoptive Family.. It's really got me worried about my Birth Mother and Step dad and about my own safety.. I'm even more obsessed with locking my door, checking my window's shut, not going anywhere alone, which is just another burden, meaning I can barely go out anywhere.. Meaning I can't even go shopping.. It's f*cking ridiculous and I hate being like this, only.. Nothing's gonna help it apart from a therapist who specialises in working with rape victims. GAAAHH!!

So, At around 3:30ish, I woke up again and checked that my door and window were locked, that all my drawers and cupboards were shut and such and made sure that my music was still playing.. It's becoming such a huge routine now.. And it's just disrupting my whole life, making everything so difficult for me and causing me to become more and more paranoid and miserable, constantly looking over my shoulder, checking corners to make sure no-one's there waiting to pounce on me..

All because I was told that the witness of the rape and someone who had said that she wasn't taking sides, had both said that they were going to beat me to a pulp. Theycan beat me down to the ground for all I care. I end up in hospital care I lose it and they get charged for assault. Meaning there'd be more of a chance of the rapist getting sent down.

It makes me sick how two faced people are, how.. Their lives seem to evolve around violence, drugs, alcohol and sex. That's it. Oh. Not forgetting gossip. There's always something going around and now I get people calling out to me when i go out saying: "Careful, Kirsten, there are bad men out there" being sarcastic and nasty, then coughing and saying things under their breaths and such. It really makes me angry.. Do they seriously have nothing better to do? I hate being the subject of gossip. I used to be the subject of admiration. For the staff here, i still am.. They all love me because despite having such a s**tty background, I still manage to bounce back, even with a few falls along the way.. i never realised that before, but having so mnay people tell me how strong I am, I realise that yes, cutting isn't neccessarily the right way to go about coping, but to me, it's the only way that I cope.. For now, until I find another way and that I am indeed stronger than i think I am. I could've ended it in the beginning, but I didn't, I held that hope that things would get better and I still hold onto that, even though tings just keep going wrong, but sometimes going right, but then going wrong again..

*sigh* I just wish I didn't live in this s**thole, where everyone either hates me, is jealous of me, or just doesn't give a s**t about my feelings, or anythign about me.. Even when i give free singing lessons and am there for people when they need someone to talk to, despite all my own s**t, and them treating me so badly, I still do it.. WHY??!!!

I'm fed up of it, I want out, i need out.. Monday would be my 52nd day of no SI, which.. To me, is great.. But last night I just had the feeling grip me to just do it, go ahead and do it, until there's no room left for me to bleed anymore. It's a horrid thought, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I think about OD'ing and just remembering my hospital trip, makes me feel ill.. But I'd rather be there than here, feeling so miserable all I ever do is cry every day and cry myself to sleep at night. It sucks, it really does and it's killing every part of me..