I really started getting anxious last night, thinking about how I spoke to my dad two days before he died, but how I called him the day before, and he wasn't able to call back-- then he died. So my stupid unconscious kept telling me that the exact same thing must be happening now. I left him a message at like 5am, telling him I had left one on Wednesday, and that normally I wouldn't be calling again except for the fact that I think he's dead.

He finally called back this morning. He apologized and said, "I think there was a misunderstanding. I know we said that we would make contact at the end of the week, but I thought it meant just to check in." (?!?!?!) I said, "Well, didn't you get my message on Wednesday?" So he goes, "Yes. Did you say at the end of it, that you wanted me to call you back?" I was like, "No. I was just calling to say Happy New Year. YES I ASKED YOU TO CALL BACK." He said, "Ohhhh, I guess I didn't hear that part. And I checked my email and didn't see anything from you. I'm really sorry."

Who said anything about email? He didn't hear it? I swear I love that man, but sometimes he's just a man (moron).

What I love about him is how we can be talking about a serious topic and then we end up laughing. I do this all the time so it's great to have a therapist who can match that. He was asking me what was going through my head when I thought he was dead. I said, "Oh I was thinking about who would call me to say you were dead, and then I was thinking about how I would deal with this, how devastating it would be, and if I should get another therapist in order to help with this." So T goes, "Oh, so you already replaced me?" I said, "NO!" And we both started laughing.

I told him how I have my internship interview on Tuesday morning, before therapy, and how my dad would always coach me with interviewing tips (interviewing people was very much a part of his job). I said how strange it would be to not be able to share with this with my dad. T said that I could call him on Monday if I want to talk.

Therapy is hard.