I've been in therapy about a year. I've talked here in other posts about how its hard to be fully open with T, hard to not just be polite and extremely considerate based on my fears that if I'm not "good", she'll decide I'm too much trouble. I know that being very NOT good could be therapeutic for me.

That aside, I think I'm probably not fixable. I've been very uninterested in living life off and on, mostly on, for 25 years. I haven't summoned the courage to kill myself because I have children, but I feel that I really want to. I'm sure this is due to depression but mostly it feels that its just my particular view of life - that I'm not interested in being here. And that's not really fixable. I can take meds to sort of cover up the feeling, figure out what would be somewhat fulfilling, but overall these are just that, cover-ups, distractions.

The one part of therapy that generally feels good is that it is the one and only place where I honestly share these particular feelings. I struggle with the connection because I hate that I only feel (sort of) connected with a professional who I'm paying, and I feel sorry for myself about that. But this connection is obviously not enough. I'm not sure that 5 or 10 similar connections would be enough for me to want to be here.

So I think overall I'm not better with therapy ... maybe a little worse because of the pain that comes with actually looking at how emotionally alone I am. How do you know when to stop?