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Berries · Jan 03, 2009, 06:52 PM

25 yrs ago @ age 17, I was diagnosed Schizoaffective. (I am definitely sure I was misdiagnosed, if anything I’m bipolar.)
10 years later and after lots of meds & hospitalizations, a suicide attempt and even ECT, I was put on Clozaril then later Zoloft, then switched to Welbutrin XL, then later Lamictal and took them for around 15 years. After I started Clozaril I went on to graduate college and wasn’t ever hospitalized or needed ECT again.
Around 3 months ago, I got yanked off both meds cold turkey, for medical reasons. I was left on my anti-depressant.
A few weeks later I was put on Seroquil and a week after that I was put on a heavy dose of prednisone (for the medical reason). Prednisone is a steroid derivative and has side-effects of mania and depression.
Around the time I started taking Prednisone, I started having what they said were psychotic symptoms and a bipolar mixed episode, with rapid cycling every day. Part of it was intrusive thoughts to follow a certain suicide plan & a lot of serious doubt as to whether I was really severely, chronically mentally ill.
I’ve been off the prednisone for a month and on the Seroquil 900mg for 5 weeks, now.
The past few days, I don’t feel so compelled. I am not having as many intrusive thoughts about it. My thoughts have slowed, some. I’m not obsessing and ruminating quite so much. My moods are not as extreme and I don’t cycle as many times in a 24 hr period.
I am experiencing just as much; if not more anxiety.
I am not feeling so violently suicidal either. I mean, I thought I’d do it with a gun, but now I don’t think I could. It would have to be an OD—a much more peaceful death.
I now feel I have more power over the suicidal intrusive thoughts. I want to live for my mom, even if I don’t deserve to. I want to try to be happy for my mom, so she can be happy.
There is a definite shift. A huge shift inside me.
I still have great doubt as to whether I am sick. I realize I’ve had symptoms before prednisone, but is it possible they weren’t severe enough for a diagnoses of mental illness?
I think the prednisone is completely out of my system now and like I said, I’ve been on the Seroquil 900mg for 5 weeks, now.
My doubt is still there because, I don’t know if it is because the seroquil is kicking in or because the prednisone is finally out of my body that there is this shift.

Is it possible I am just getting back to normal? That I am “normal person”, who’s just moody and eccentric, who wasn’t ever mentally ill? Who was misdiagnosed? A “normal person” who had medication induced bipolar symptoms? Would I be fine if I stopped the seroquil and Wellbutrin XL?
Should I try stopping and see what happens?