Pegasus, I am trying to remain strong but i dont know if i am strong enough to talk about this with T - there is still the fact that she might tell my work T about this - but i suppose he knew in the beginning that I had these thoughts - I just dont want him to know now - and yes its probably linked to shame, the old I should be better by now - I KNOW it takes TIME grrrr hate that word!

ECHOES, no it doesnt go away, it just gets stronger or weaker at times - but i so want the easy answer the a) ignore it and it will go away - but it hasnt has it - the elephants still in the room dalila Maybe T can train it!

Earthmama, I agree with what you wrote thats why i was thinking of telling T - the times when I didnt care about anyone else - I know they were the dangerous times - my first real T helped me there and the other times i have managed to come back on my own - but there is a sense that i may not always be able to do that and that is why i am thinking... going ? to talk to T about it - its difficult and im afraid and maybe a bit ashamed that I am not coping - that i still have these thoughts ....

thanks spotted owl - i think you and Sannah have identified the issue correctly - and I can talk to my T about this.

I see my T at 10am tomorrow - 22 hours to go! I will try to remain strong and talk to T about it and not turn back into the biggest chicken in the Universe - thankyou for listening P7