thanks for responding...

i do feel the fear and do it anyway... that's how i've lived my whole life.. for real. i took up public speaking in high school bc i was/am afraid of it. i pushed myself my whole life... being terrified and doing things anyway... T said that is courage, to do it despite the fear. Great.. i have courage...

but the authors arent correct... not 100% anyways. If people have the underlying structures, internal i mean, then doing things despite the fear will bring great rewards... it helps bridge the gap, overcome the fear by concrete experience. i do recommend it to most people... bc most people really do have the structures underneath... they just have a thick layer of fear over it. So.. yes, by all means.. try it...

but... if you dont have them... then its empty. It means i have gone through life with my head down.. like a football player or a tractor. i have gotten through a lot of stuff.. gotten an education and done a lot of things.... it has served me well... but underneath, i'm as empty as i ever was.

im afraid of myself.. of people.. of nothing. i hurt.. i have anger and pain and a near complete lack of understanding of people around me. i dont know how to relate in any honest, real way. If i relate it is not real... it's whatever projection someone needs.

t says i have the "do it anyway" down pretty well... i just dont have the belief system behind it. The ened result is just cold concrete acheivements... and at this point i am reluctant to put myself through those anymore because it hasnt changed how i feel...

im not putting down the suggestion bizi... its a good one, please do try it.. and i hope you have what you need underneath. i havent met anyone else yet who has the problem underneath that i seem to have... meaning.. i dont know what feelings are what. i have feelings, intense ones... but i dont know what each one is.. i recently learned that what i was feeling in some situations was "hurt." i know happy and i know afraid... there are some i know.. and lots i dont... i am hopeless with subtle differences in emotion. Maybe thats it.. maybe thats why the whole thing doesnt work for me.

idk