Have you recognized your own resistance, especially when it appeared to be something else?

How did you get past it?

The last 2 weeks therapy has been once a week instead of twice. I'm lucky that 'they' decided to stay during the holidays or it would have been even less frequent. Therapy has just been 'off' during this time. Not only is the schedule not the same, but work has been overwhelmingly busy and many crises there, and when things like this happen I get so overwhelmed and I don't sleep right, don't eat right, and I forget to take my thyroid meds. The past 3 weeks have just been overwhelming, exhausting. I've wondered if it wouldn't have been better just to take a 2 week break from therapy. Who knows.

Last week I went to therapy feeling nothing in particular except tired. The crises had resolved without too much fallout. Knowing it was going to be a week before I saw her again had an impact. I think the session's hour, compared to the week between appointments, just seem so tiny and unimportant or .. something.

Anyway I had no concerns about what to talk about or thoughts that I didn't feel like talking or that it would be difficult. I felt pretty good. I spoke to her, asking my usual How are you, as we walked down the short hall instead of waiting until we got to the room. I felt comfortable.

But wait. There's more. lol Once in the room and after talking about work some, there was a silence and I could tell she wasn't wanting to let it happen. I have told her that I LIKE silences. I wish she would just let them happen. Yes, I am often censoring during that silence, but so what, I do it as I go anyway. She used to let the silences go on longer although she would still be paying attention to me, and occaisionally nodding slightly (which I secretly love). Now she wants to interrupt the silence to talk about the silence. So instead of having the silence feel good, I felt tremendous pressure from her staring at me (and nodding slightly).

I don't remember all that happened right before I left but I left a little early after saying I didn't know what was going on with me, digging (and digging and digging---thought I'd die of embarrassment) in my purse for my checkbook and pen because I'd forgotten to write out her check beforehand (I'm used to paying after Thursday's session and this was Monday). My anger was building and I had to get out of there. She asked, "So next Monday at 6?"

I called later (as I am encouraged to leave a message anytime about anything) and asked "WHY do you DO that??!? WHY do you PRESSURE me like that?!?!" Still later I called and said that if she doesn't want me to come back, please say so.

I have thought of little else for days. I don't like getting angry. I wish I hadn't made those calls. She was merely confirming next Monday's time because last week it was changed just for that week and next Monday we are back to our regularly scheduled program
I realize now that SHE isn't pressuring me. I'm using that as a distraction, a way to focus on the external so I can try to keep the internal hidden. I think it's also why I focus so much on her room, on her clothes.
I am fiercely resisting.

And I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to get over this hurdle, this wanting so much to be seen and heard yet wanting to hide as well.