i am so sorry you feel so down.
when i was so deeply depressed, hopeless about life, my T made me do a daily journal. now i know that is hard to do. i balked at him. he insisted. thank god. i made myself write down all the pain i felt, the confusion, the fears. no it didn't change my situation at first but it allowed me to regurgitate all that pent up pain. i often would cry as i wrote. do you think you could do this for yourself? after you've written down your daily thoughts you don't have to look at them again...it's the process of letting the steam out of the pressure cooker inside you.
i'm glad you are postng here...it's another way of expressing yourself and please know that we truly do care about you. we care how you feel. i pray soon that you will have happy days.