i don't like talking to my parents about this, they don't get it, they just get emotional and constantly ask me how i'm doing. i understand why... i know it causes them terrible pain to think of that, and i hate thinking of what suicide would do to them. but it's not helpful, just more straining on my emotions, and it doesn't benefit them any, either.
i do have priorities, somewhat. getting through my courses i guess... looking for a job simply has to wait, i'm in no condition to be trying to make myself an appealing candidate.
i don't have friends, this is all i have, and my t when i see him. though i don't feel i can be so open or real... i trust him, but we're just starting out, and i'm afraid of appearing pathetic and immature for my age. i guess i've always had that fear... i feel like inside i'm childish, selfish, needy, unresponsible, unable to take care of myself when i've always felt pressure to be mature for my age.
i see my t tuesday. not much point in trying to get it moved to tomorrow.
really, the only thing that bothers me about suicide is its' effect on people. but i have this feeling that i can't escape it even if i want to, like it's my destiny to die by suicide, that that's what all this struggle is leading to. i feel like every time i choose not to do it i'm only putting it off. and if that's so, i want it to be at the "best" time possible... which is now, while my 3mo nephew is too little to remember me and my family have him to bring joy to ease the pain... i'm afraid the chance will slip away, and i'll just end up doing it later, when it'll be even worse than now.
i don't want to do this to them, but i can't bear living! why does it have to be this way?