Thanks everyone.

Right now there is no rift, other than the chasm in my mind.

T has no clue what's going on. When I left the other day he was like, "Well I'm glad that's resolved." We had been discussing my need for contact between sessions and how best to meet that need. T really wanted to understand this and gets worried if he can't return a call after I leave a lengthy message. So, we discussed how my needs can be met and what is best saved for session. (I even told him that he needs to "parent" me the way I "parent" my son/by asking for briefer messages.) The problem--I am in a HUGE transference that is triggered whenever the topic of outside contact comes up. It's a trauma place for me. It's very very deep, and when I am in it I can't see out of it. I lose the "observing adult ego." It is a scary place and it's the place where I am really ugly. It's a place of panic attacks/smothering feelings and self harm. Ugh. I have been in and out of this place all weekend and I am afraid of going there again tomorrow. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you.

I hope the nice T will be there. Otherwise I don't think I'll make it.

Oh, I like the glitter PInk and those chilis make me laugh.

Sunny, I think the openness is the key--thank you for reminding me.

Chaotic, maybe what I need is a crazy drunken night with T-LOL.

Ugh.