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Capp · Jan 05, 2009, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taonuviel

i liked making things when i was in mania... now i just stare at stuff with no ideas or motivation.
i'll think about printing this out.
the last time i od'd i didn't back out and call help. i wasn't really afraid, or even guilty, just extremely sorrowful over the choice i had to make and how it would affect people. i fell asleep crying. i woke up wishing it had worked and wondering why i was found - if there was purpose behind it. i had prayed that God would just take over, have me found if He wanted... just to please not let me continue like this. i had thought maybe He had a plan, and hope would be just around the corner... the next month i spent in the psych ward a doctor gave me ritalin. i'd never been manic before, and that's what it did to me, i felt amazing, thought i had found something that worked. what i couldn't see was that it was mania, not real "normalcy". it caused its' own problems. that was 3 years ago. i wish i had died... i went over that decision before, i don't want to keep facing it... maybe it's just what i deserve to keep feeling pain over what it'd do to my family before inflicting it. i wish there were another way... but i don't believe there is. i don't know.

I did not back out, call for help, pray for anything...my fear and my guilt came as I was going under and understood the finality of my action.
Self flagellation is a waste of energy and serves no purpose other than to call attention to feelings of worthlessness..it clears the way for reassurance from others when we can't accept we are worthwhile human beings.
One of the healthiest things we do for ourselves is to accept our imperfections as being part of being human...beating ourselves up about it drains everyone--ourselves and those around us.

Tao, you've said the same type of words in your caring posts to others when they are in a rough spot--what is true for them/me is also true for you.
Emotional pain and confusion will indeed blind us to better choices; the other side to that is believing others, as we want them to believe us, when told it will get better.

Your words;
i wish there were another way... but i don't believe there is. i don't know.

No, you don't know and that is the point trying to be made to you...
What do you have to lose by leaning on us while trust in your T grows?? What difference would it make to wait and give it a serious effort to work???
Perhaps letting go of many of these feelings and allowing them to be replaced with more positive ones would be the difference? Think of it...a very good possibility of smashing the hold of the beast of depression.
It's a given that the beast comes in and out of our lives.
It's affect on us can be minimal or it can be dreadful...we have no way of knowing. No one is guaranteed smooth sailing every day. People without depression don't have a guarantee of anything either.

The same advice and support you've given to others has been given to you, Tao. You know by the responses to your support that it works...
It's not any different for you or for me or for anyone else.
It's a basic but hard truth that it does get better in time. Time may mean a few hours or a few weeks; it feels longer than that when we are hurting, but it does not change that truth.

Cap