Well last night was another sleepless night. I am just really restless at night for some reason and am having weird nonsense dreams that can't even be explained. For some reason I just need to prove to myself that I am not physically addicted to this medication and CAN cope with my ADHD without medication. I have a busy week that I can't afford to be a low production week. I decided this morning to go back on the Adderall.

It is sad to say that I feel so much better on the medication than off. Duh...hence why I take it right! I just wonder if this may make me psychologically dependent on it. I wonder am I to the point where I think I can't work effectively without medication. This worries me a bit. If I can't sleep or read for an hour, or crank out a few syllabi then... HEY you better get back on the drugs! I've never considered myself at risk for addiction, but maybe this is how it starts. You start feeling like you can't be "something" or "perform well enough" without taking medication. I am just a freak about addiction and feeling like I am masking my true self. I know its dumb...ADHD is not curable so like BP we take medication to manage it. I know I've been here several times throughtout the year. Maybe I am just slipping into my self-loathing pattern and focusing on defects again. Maybe I am just being aware of what I'm really doing.

I am aware that I am experiencing a rush of rambling--at least it is on a single topic :-) I need to stop wasting this rush here and direct it towards say....WORK....Bye!