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My therapist and I have opened a door that was deeply tucked away, but my behavior screamed it all over the place and that is that my anger issues are the biggest with myself and there is self-hatred, self-loathing and a feeling like "I need to die."
The difficulty is that I know that I've internalized it from my family especially my mother and it happens automatically and I am often unaware until days later when I am talking about a situation. But, when we talk about it I become extremely defensive and dissociate. And, the after effect is increased suicidal ideation, feeling "bad" and increased urges to cut.
This is a difficult place to be in sometimes I know that it is like a flashback and other times, I can't seem to separate. I am also having increased nightmares and flashbacks. I am talking about it with my therapist who I see four times per week and he is available by telephone.
Has anyone else dealt with this and how did you cope?
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